Unfortunately my mother was a very traumatized person, having been abused by her minister family since she was a child.
i'm not sure what happened but i heard muffled angry voices and at some point as a fetus, i lost my joy and was flooded with the most painful feelings. i tried to notify my mother, but she was no longer listening to me. This pain continued until my birth, for what seemed like years as i waited to be born. Hanging painful i became angry and swore that once i was free from my mother, i would drive her away from me. i was literally born crazy from enduring many months of emotional pain.
The smothering feelings of being born and nearly strangled by my own umbilical cord still haunts me... Yet doesn't come close to the pain of being held down as my penis was cut with a knife. I screamed and flared with hate begging them to stop. Then as i slipped into shock and receded into myself i swore that when i got strong enough i would never allow it to happen to anyone else ever again.
My mother was caught trying to smoother me with a pillow and she shortly after had a nervous break down. Then after a very traumatic few years of yelling parents and violent behavior, my family broke apart and all was a blur of sadness.
i would be kidnapped, hit by a car and nearly killed, stabbed in the arm with a bottle, moved from house to house many times to live with different people.... Abused mentally, spiritually & physically. Starved & neglected, left to fend for myself... all by the age of 7 yrs old.
When i was 12 years old i moved in with a psycho-path preacher and his family for six years who used me for the social security check i received after my fathers death.
While there i was beaten and emotionally tortured, sexually shamed and held captive. Denied any affection or love. Not allowed to have any friends, play sports, join any school activities or even leave the street in front of the house. i was never allowed to have a girlfriend. Even denied to participate in the prom. When i was 18 years old i graduated high school & ran away never to return....
After graduating a 2 year youth ministers course, i joined the Marine Corps in hope of starting a new life. After 4 years traveling homeless with my guitar, singing on the streets for spare change, i finally found refuge in Oregon. ....and have been living here for the past 10 years in meditation.
In my meditation i wrote a book of self healing, mainly for myself, so if i ever lose my way again i can read it and remember.
I've also written a book about consciousness and a magazine of awareness.
I've become a self taught singer song writer, recording and producing my own music videos.
i don't expect anyone to care or listen. i do it for me...because it makes me feel better.
Upon the chance you may be interested i have dedicated a website to the brief years i lived with my Grandmother. The website contains all my life's works free for everyone to download, read or listen to. the site can be found at:
What my Grandmother said to me when i was 9 years old:
"So many bad things have happened to you in your life... It must be because you're very special & God has something very special for you to do. ….Robby when you speak from your heart everyone can feel it... That's a great gift...! So don't ever say anything unless it comes from your heart, ok <3 ....and one day you will save the world."